I have decided to write some notes to Leon through this blog.  It is entirely within the realm of possibility that I will not be there to see Leon grow old and have a family of his own.  I absolutely hope to, but in the event that I can't, I'd like to pass on some knowledge that I have found along the way.

In addition, this will be a way for me to come back 20 years from now and see if I really still think the same way.  I am often surprised at how out of touch some people can seem.  Maybe it's just a matter of getting older.

So here we go.

Let's talk about life in general first.  I have come to realize that life is really just about experience.  I'm sure that sounds cliche, but I am finding that it is true.  Now, this is impossible to understand if you haven't had a lot of experiences.  Kind of like the worlds way of saying that you need to get out and have the experience.  I can't tell you how painful my first break up was.  It was like a physical beating that I could never experience again.  Every subsequent break up was easier to deal with after having experienced the first.  This is true in just about everything in life.

You might think that old people are lame because they don't like to drive fast cars to their limit.  You might think that old people are lame because they don't go out clubbing all hours of the night.  More than likely, they aren't doing that because they've done it before.  I know that I am simply not as interested in jamming my foot on the gas for the fun of it anymore.  Is it because I'm lame?  Well, to your young mind, you will think so.  I would disagree though.  Being the old person that I am, I would think YOU are lame for not having experienced the stuff that I already have.

Getting through the day will sometimes seem impossible, but it might make it a little easier to know that the experience you have today will make it so that this can never hurt you as much a second time.

The flip side of this are things that you really enjoy.  For example, I would love to erase the memory of the first time I saw something like Eddie Murphy's Delirious.  Immediately upon erasing, I would go back and watch it again.  There are few times that I laughed as hard as I did the first time I saw that.  Unfortunately, I can never laugh at it quite so intensely.  Regardless of how long I try to put off seeing it again, I still end up remembering the punch lines.

As you get older, it might annoy you like it does me.  I find myself watching movies and thinking about how much I enjoyed the first time I ever saw this particular concept played out.  That's when you really start to feel old.  When everything under the sun starts to look like something you have seen before.

It even translates to relationships.  At some point in your life, going around and having sex with every girl you see loses its appeal.  You start to think about what you want to do in terms of a family.  That is the natural next experience.  Some people don't progress this way.  Or perhaps, some people try to push to certain levels too quickly.  I think these are the people who end up in mid-life-crisis-divorce type scenarios.  They didn't get the experience they really wanted when they were younger, so they think they can go back and reclaim it.

Maybe my thoughts on this will change once I get older.  That's part of why I'm getting this down here.

So my advice right now.  Make sure you're taking advantage of the experiences.  Don't get caught up in the mundane, but also, don't rush through to the next thing without making sure you have plenty of time to explore where you are.

More to come...

I made a pretty nasty mistake today. I'm sure that it won't be the last, but I am hoping to learn a little something from it.

I was messing around in WoW since I have the day off for MLK Day. My wife was working upstairs and had my son with her. She was on a conference call, but Leon was not letting it go quietly. I decided I would help out, so I went up and got him. I brought him down to my area of the house, and I put him in the computer chair next to me.

It's worth noting that he had fallen out of this very chair in the past, but I thought he would be OK this time. Well, I gave him one of his toys, and I turned my attention to WoW for a second. Was it a second? Maybe it was more. In any case, I turned to hear a thud on the ground behind me. Leon had fallen once again. He began to cry, and I tried to sooth him. Keep in mind that I subscribe to the "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger" mentality.

So, I finally get Leon to calm down. I play with him and his toys a little. He's still crying off and on. I look at his face and I see a red mark on his forehead as well as his nose.

He doesn't seem to mind the pain nearly as much as I think he should.  Still, I pull out the guitar and start playing. I know he loves this.

He looks up at me with an expression of happiness.... I lost it. This little boy who I let down so thoroughly could be happy with a welt on his head and a smile in his face. It really bit deep onto my sense of responsibility. This kid needs me. I can't go letting him down like I did today.

Needless to say, I will never leave him in that chair again. My only hope is that I will always remember the face I saw. That look of forgiveness where none was deserved. It is probably some genetically driven response, but I felt it in my bones.

I'll try to be better than I am today, son. I can't take this chance for granted.